Listen

Dear T.,

If it weren’t for you, I’d be much worse. But I don’t want my sadness to affect you so as long as you are around me, I don’t think about it. I don’t feel anything, so as long as my head is busy, it’s easy. It’s after you fall asleep and I’m done with Mad Men, that I have to go to sleep and let the bad thought come over me. I have bad dreams about the baby and yesterday I had a good one, which maybe it’s eve worse because it makes me hope, when I shouldn’t.

It’s when I’m driving after dropping you off at school, that I start thinking and I can’t help but crying again. I think I’m a lucky one, this happened after you, so I know we can have a healthy baby, this was just a setback. I think of all the women who try for years and don’t succeed and start giving up. I know I would.

But still… A part of me refuse to talk about this, sees no point in venting with other people, another side of me needs to, to avoid being asked questions that would hurt or make me lie, like “don’t you want another baby? Isn’t it time yet?”.

That’s why I write. Maybe you are not the best listener yet, but that’s exactly what I need. Just to say the words, to describe my feelings, without anybody commenting.

I just feel sorry because I think you’d be ready. You are starting to be fascinated by babies and you are nice to them. We have been watching a video I found on Facebook with big kids meeting their baby brothers or sisters for the first time and I asked you if you’d like a baby in the house and you said “Yeah…”. I know you have no idea what you agreed to, but still made me feel so bad about this not happening yet!

And then, there are the less emotional reasons for which I’m a little ashamed. We decided to pay for PPO insurance this year, so that the delivery would be cheaper. Now, even if we do get pregnant again, delivery will happen too late so we’ll have been paying for PPO a whole year for nothing. I put money in the FSA account knowing I would use them for delivery. Now that there won’t be a delivery within a year, what am I going to use that money for, in order not to lose it?

I really wanted a 2 years age difference between you two, because between me and my sister there are 3 years, and I always felt like it was too much for us to be close, and too little for her to see me as a big sister.

I sound shallow but I’m not, I’m a responsible person and a planner, and I try to give the best to my family. I hate when there is nothing I can do.

Sorry for the stream of emotions I threw you under! But you really are the best listener!

We’ll get through this, baby boy.

Love you to madness

Mom

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Lost

Dear T.,

So it seems like you won’t be a big brother just yet.

Yesterday I had my visit with the doctor and I felt really nervous. I felt something was not right. With you, it was so easy, but I still felt that something was going on. This time, there are no symptoms. I convinced the doctor to do an ultrasound to check. And there it was, it turned out a mother’s instincts can be trusted. There isn’t what you would expect to be there at the 8th week. Even I could see it. I remember when I went with you, at the end of my 6th week, and they showed me the little you, and a little movement, which was your heart already clearly beating.

The ultrasound woman didn’t talk, like they always do, but I knew. And she didn’t give me a picture, like they usually do.

The doctor said my calculations could be wrong, because there was exactly like a 5-6 weeks pregnancy looks like. The thing is, I’m OCD, and we wanted this baby, so I 100% sure of my dates. And I had a positive at 5 weeks, so there is no mistake here. Still, we have to wait 2 more weeks and have another sonogram that will confirm this bad news. And then see what to do from there. So a few not fun months are ahead of me.

It hurt more than I expected. I have a tendency of being pessimistic just so I won’t get hurt, but there is always a little voice convinced I’m just trying not to jinx it, but that everything will be fine. And this time it wasn’t.

It was a horrible day, the longest to be at work when I just wanted to be on my own. When I got home, and Dad hugged me, you hugged me too, then you took my hand, you led me to the couch and made me sit, then offered me a tissue (after cleaning your nose first, LOL).

That obviously made me cry even more.

I really planned for this, the age different would have been perfect, you will be ready in a few months, I really want to give you a sibling. I feel like I underestimated this pregnancy, I didn’t give it the right importance. I know I shouldn’t hope, but that little voice inside of me, still asks for a little miracle, in two weeks.

Love you,

Sad Mom

Perfect

If I only could stop the time, I’d make these months last forever. The only reason I won’t do it is (besides the fact that I can’t) that I’m also looking forward to the future you. But right now, you are so funny, and smart, and learning so much, and such a perfect little man, that I can’t picture any better you.

Lately you’ve even become more affectionate, a cuddler. You look for physical contact more than before, you communicate. You understand and you do as you are told. You repeat everything on command, even long words we had no idea you could pronounce. I counted more than 50. Last one was applesauce.

You love the company of other kids, you are so much fun!

I love that you are nor scared of dogs, and you are cool about it. Snickers next door acts crazy every time we walk by the fence, and jump on the fence and barks at you, but you just point at him, try to reach him, then you get tired of the barking and you keep doing your thing after saying “DOG, BYE BYE, GO BYEBYE”, like you are totally indifferent to the noise, and couldn’t care less.

I love that you are learning to potty train, that you don’t fight me anymore when I brush your teeth. You like to get it done on the window seal, so you go sit there and wait for me to come over and start brushing. And you let me change your diaper, but every time you picked a different spot: on the living room rug, or your bedroom’s, or the kitchen, or your bed. I just need to follow you and you’ll let me change you, as long as you pick the spot. And I love that I get you, I know what you mean, and I don’t even know how it’s possible, but I do.

lately you like to bury yourself in the toys box. You empty it, then climb in, then ut back in all the toys until you can’r move. Then you start over.

I hope the new baby is a girl, just because I can’t think it could exist a better you, and it would just be easier this way. I know I’ll feel different once he’s born, but now this is just the way I feel. Couldn’t hope for anything better than you.

Love,

Mom

Big Brother

Dear Tristan,

I’ve just found out we’ll have another baby in November. It happened so fast, we barely started to think about it and bam! Pregnant. Yesterday I was thinking that, despite all the stress we have in our lives, this is a big one we were spared. I know so many people have troubles having a baby, and want it so much. This creates stress, both between husband and wife and also financially. This is something we didn’t have! We got super lucky both times.

I don’t want to say this, but I’m torn between hoping for a girl or another boy. I mean, I know I’d like the girl so we can have the couple, and because I’ve always wanted a big brother. Then I think teenagers years, and a girl scares me LOL!

But I’m concerned about a boy because of the name he’ll have… When your dad agreed to name you Tristan, I promised him the second one would be Calvin, which was his choice. Now that we are talking about moving to Italy, I don’t want it anymore because in italian it means “little bald man” so he’ll be bullied. At the same time, I keep my promises, so… A Matilde would make everything easier, name-wise!

Whatever it will be, it will be loved, hopefully by you as well. This place the sleeping in your own bed a priority in the next 9 months, or you won be able to sleep properly once the baby comes.

You started talking, and you won’t stop! Lately you repeat everything. You learnt papaya, salta (jump), zia, your name!!!, “bad bad Tristan”, bravo, patata, arrivati, latte, milk, tavolo, pronto, hello, please, cheese, and some more.

This is a great time of you, and you are still the cutest! Your little brother, if he is going to be a brother, will have a high standard to meet, poor thing, He can only be better than you in one thing: be a good sleeper in his own bed!

Love you always, Big Brother…

Mom

Piccolo Uomo

Dear Tristan,

exciting week!! On Thursday, you told us you needed the potty, so we went to get it and you used it (three times!!!) standing and sitting overtime you had to go. So proud!! 20 months!!

On Friday at day care you got a black eye. Not while fighting with a 3 year old like Dad likes to say, but slipping while pushing a toy lawn mower. Not as cool but you didn’t even cry. So now you have a decently big cut on your eyelid, and a purple eye.

At this age, you are repeating pretty much everything we say, as long as we don’t ask you to.

You recognise all the shape both in english and italian (I think it’s amazing!), some of the new words you learned lately are mani, ready, cheese, yogurt, outside, dentro, lí, see you, happy birthday, butt.

You are a great eater and LOVE yard work and watering things. Now you go out by yourself (usually naked), take the hose and water plants, while we are still in the house.

16 teeth (top canines coming out just now).

Gotta go get lunch ready!

Love,

Mom

 

Mine

Dear T.,

tonight we had great fun before bed time. We were playing at the horse and while I was galloping with you on my back you started saying “Mom mine! Mom mine!” thumping your chest to indicate you.

We went back to the bedroom and you kept looking at dad and telling him “Mom mine, mom mine!”.

Now, I don’t know if that’s what you meant or if I understood what I wanted to hear. But I surely loved to hear it. You are not sick anymore and your weirdness towards me is gone. Who knows what’s in your head sometimes. You are my sweet baby again, and today yes I’m all yours. Love,

Mom

Ps. Word of the day: toto (cocco)

Pps. Last night we were attaching letter stickers to your table while reciting the alphabet and you started repeating after me. I, jay, key, elle, emme, enne (you said this to perfection!), o, pi, erre, esse. Amazing! But you do have a problem with the camera because as soon as you realise we are filming you you stop doing the cute thing you were doing. And I can’t even complain too much because I run from the camera myself. Darn it, among all things you could have taken after me, this one?? And the love for spoonfuls of peanut butter.

Rejected

Dear T.,

You are the youngest man who’s ever made me cry. And not just once, but several times. When you were born. When you were sick and cried all night and couldn’t sleep and I cried with you, thinking I can’t resist being up another night. And yesterday, again at night, when you pushed me away.

You are becoming more and more a daddy’s boy, which is cool, even though I always hoped to have that special mother and son relationship everybody talks about. But lately you haven’t been sleeping and the only one who can calm you down when you wake up whining is dad.

You must have canines coming out because you’ve been waking up several times a night and so did yesterday. It was 3am and I was the first one who comes to you trying to calm you down. I understand you more than Dad, I think, because I know you don’t like it when we leave. But he got up and left to use the bathroom, right when you were reaching out to him, so that you just lost it and started screaming. I would have never done that, I would have hold it and waited or at least I would have told you that I was going to be right back. So since I get all this and don’t do anything that in any way could make you upset even more, I would at least expect some gratitude, but no. You pushed me away when I was just trying to comfort you telling you dad would be right back.

This upset me so much I got secretly mad with dad because if he didn’t go away or if he had touched you or looked at you or told you “I’ll be right back”, you might not have screamed so much like you felt abandoned with me. You are still so little, and can hurt my feelings so much.

I just don’t get it. I know I’m the one who make you brush your teeth, change diaper, wash your hands, wash your hair and do all the stuff you don’t like to do, but I can’t justify you preferring your dad so much. I’m not jealous, I’m just hurt and I don’t understand. I’ve been wanting to be a mother since I was 3 while I had to force your dad to finally have you, and I’ve been with you since the beginning, talking and spending time with you even before your first smile, not caring that you were so little. Your dad was the last one to get a smile because he wouldn’t do anything to get one -not funny sounds, nothing you would find funny. He felt strange to be a clown to a little thing who didn’t do anything. And now all of that seems not to matter and you pushed me away.

I hate not being able to calm my baby.  I am little so I get it if you are more comfortable in dad’s arm. It make sense. I can barely lift you and there is just not enough space on me for you to be comfy. But you pushed me away. I don’t know why.

You act like women do: go after the ones who treats you badly (figuratively, obviously. What I mean is that Dad can call you little shit and tell you he is tired of you and that he is done and I couldn’t do that because I would feel like a horrible mother).

The funny thing is you have this preference only at night and when you are whiny or sick.

And then this morning when I woke up from my few hours night sleep with red eyes and went to the kitchen, you woke up and repeated  ‘mamma, mamma” and left the bed where dad was sleeping and came to the kitchen and stayed with me getting ready and playing from 6.45 to 8 when we left for school. You didn’t even realized your dad was still in bed, you didn’t ask for him once. So what is this?!? it s going to sound bad, but I felt a little better after this morning. Maybe we just need more time together? I’ll try to make some. I’m sorry I have to work full time, and when I get home I need to make dinner. I’ll try to be more organized so we can play more when I get home.

Anyway, I hope these canines will come out soon because this is very tiring!

To happier things now! Your love for destroying stuff just became love to build, and we’ve been building with the magnetic tiles little boxes where you like to put all your pastels. You finally learnt how to ride the bouncy pony and you really are an energetic hopper! We gotta watch you because you have no idea of what your are doing and fall backwards or forward every time.

You have a passion for high heels and you put my shoes on and try to walk and get upset when you lose the shoes.

You like to play pretend cooking and feed both me and dad and your stuffed animals.

You are not scared of the hairdryer anymore and want to use it for 5 seconds every night.

New words: “morn” (good morning), potapota (potato), allora (this is what you say better. It’s a word I overuse and dad makes fun of me repeating it and now you repeat it as well and sound very grown up when you say it).

I asked Dad to pick up food for dinner tonight, so we can have some quality time.

I’ll be home soon!

Mom