All right dude

Dear Tristan,

a little entry is due because you are still sleeping in your own bed, and it was tough at first, you waking up a thousand times every night, crying, not sleeping anymore, but it got better, and now you fall asleep quite easily in your bed, you wake up once or twice, not crying, and you bring over your stuffed animals into out room, we accompany you back to bed, then you wake up around 5.30-6.30, and if we get lucky you come to our bed and fall asleep again, if it’s later then you are up and there is no way of putting you back to sleep. But we are happy and excited about the results and we think the three of us did great! Now we just need to hope that the trip to Italy won’t set us back again.

Potty training still going well, and your talking is improving. Tonight I lost an earring and I told you about it and you kept repeating “Earring fall down” over and over. You hugged me and try to comfort me and seemed very sensitive to the idea of me losing an earring. We read a couple of books then you said “nanna”, we switched of the light and less then 10 minutes later you were out. We spent more time together tonight because we had sandwich and store bought soup for dinner, so I didn’t have to spend time in the kitchen, we stayed outside and drawed with chalks all over the driveway singing songs. I have the feeling you ease into sleep better when we had some quality time, and I wish I could give you more of that.

The other night you also had your very first tantrum, because you wanted jello before dinner, and we wouldn’t let you. You cried and screamed and acted crazy, and we couldn’t calm you down. We accompanied you into your bedroom to calm you down but didn’t work, then I went to our bedroom and you followed me and I managed to distract you by letting you smell all my bottles of lotions and perfumes, and when you finally calmed down you were a different boy: you cleaned your plate, you were in an awesome mood, and it was a very pleasant evening. Are these the terrible two starting? If they are, I have to say they might be terrible, but are also pretty awesome. You are funny and cute and you learn at light speed. It’s quite amazing to observe you. And you are also a good boy, very well behaved. We rarely go out for dinner but wen we do, we always receive compliments for how well behaved you are compared to the average. Maybe because we keep it fast and simple, but still, it’s nice to hear!

It’s also difficult to be mad at you, when we turn your chair against the wall after you threw your food on the floor or your fork at us, you don’t even mind, after a few second you turned around make a big smile and say “Helllloooooo!”, and we have to manage not to burst out laughing.

Now you learn to do the thumb up and say “all right dude”, which is pretty cute. You repeat pretty much everything, dance and start singing a little bit. You like baby boss (for like 5 minutes), and you like to take our hands and bring us when you want us to be, then you say “sit down here”. You like having us both near you. You won’t fall asleep yet, if one of us is somewhere else in the house. We’ll work on that. For now, I try to enjoy every moment you want with me, because I know it won’t last forever, and I’ll miss you needing me so much.

Love you,

Mom

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You you you and some girl talk (sorry!)

Dear Tristan,

this is the third night I put you to sleep in your own bed, and there you stay all night (waking up once). I can’t believe this is really happening! I don’t want to jinx it, and hopefully we won’t screw up and the trip to Italy won’t upset you like they did last year.

We just came back from MN and it was horrible. What happened to the wonderful traveler you used to be?? You were great on the plane and did pretty good, considering the long flight and your age, but didn’t do well over there. It was our fault mostly, we didn’t insist strongly enough to keep you on your schedule, trying not to be a pain, but oh well, lesson learnt. Definitely worth it to be a pain, if it’ll avoid you getting sick and staying up 3 nights in a row screaming constantly. Fever, gagging, crying, no appetite, no sleep and crankiness and neediness disappeared as soon as we got back home. There is no place like home, they say… So darn true!

Your potty training is going great, now you request privacy and you slam the door in our faces if we try to follow you in the bathroom (mostly to make sure you won’t make a mess trying to wipe your butt or pour your poop into the toilet). From outside the door, we hear “Yayyyyy!!!” and you finally open and let us in to admire your masterpiece. OMG you are so awesome!

Today you repeated “pipistrello” (bat), and it’w weird to hear you repeat difficult words like it’s no big deal, when just a few months ago you couldn’t say anything.

Lullabies: La pecora nel bosco, Dindondena, State svegli ad aspettar, the Legend of the Fall.

New things learnt: wash your hands on the stool, wipe your butt, shampoo, trying to put shoes on, hand cream and Purell, switch on and off the TV, start the Roomba, vacuum and clean (your favorite activities with watering plants and cooking).

As much as I’m concerned, we confirmed there is no baby. This weekend it will be a tough one as I have to take pills to end this. The worst part is that I don’t feel good. I’ve been having sharp muscle pain all over, but especially my arms, and tonight I almost dropped you. Then I got scared. I got scared because of this pain I can’t explain and that doesn’t go away with drugs, and that I see no reason for. I know so many people who got sick from one day to the other, with no warning, and now that you are in our life I’m, really scared that something bad can happen to one of us. I couldn’t stand the thought of it, so anything weird with no explanation freaks me out. And knowing what’s awaiting me this weekend, I would like to feel good, at least physically.

Now I found some old strong Ibuprofen and it worked, I feel much better. I wonder if this is anyhow related to what’s happening to my body right now, because something is definitely happening. I just got a big tummy! Wtf! I didn’t have that yesterday, and tonight it just showed up and I can’t even hold it in. Isn’t this ironic. Perks of being a woman….

Good for you you’ll never know any of this.

Sorry for the girl talk here, but I need to vent somewhere.

Love ya!

Mom

Listen

Dear T.,

If it weren’t for you, I’d be much worse. But I don’t want my sadness to affect you so as long as you are around me, I don’t think about it. I don’t feel anything, so as long as my head is busy, it’s easy. It’s after you fall asleep and I’m done with Mad Men, that I have to go to sleep and let the bad thought come over me. I have bad dreams about the baby and yesterday I had a good one, which maybe it’s eve worse because it makes me hope, when I shouldn’t.

It’s when I’m driving after dropping you off at school, that I start thinking and I can’t help but crying again. I think I’m a lucky one, this happened after you, so I know we can have a healthy baby, this was just a setback. I think of all the women who try for years and don’t succeed and start giving up. I know I would.

But still… A part of me refuse to talk about this, sees no point in venting with other people, another side of me needs to, to avoid being asked questions that would hurt or make me lie, like “don’t you want another baby? Isn’t it time yet?”.

That’s why I write. Maybe you are not the best listener yet, but that’s exactly what I need. Just to say the words, to describe my feelings, without anybody commenting.

I just feel sorry because I think you’d be ready. You are starting to be fascinated by babies and you are nice to them. We have been watching a video I found on Facebook with big kids meeting their baby brothers or sisters for the first time and I asked you if you’d like a baby in the house and you said “Yeah…”. I know you have no idea what you agreed to, but still made me feel so bad about this not happening yet!

And then, there are the less emotional reasons for which I’m a little ashamed. We decided to pay for PPO insurance this year, so that the delivery would be cheaper. Now, even if we do get pregnant again, delivery will happen too late so we’ll have been paying for PPO a whole year for nothing. I put money in the FSA account knowing I would use them for delivery. Now that there won’t be a delivery within a year, what am I going to use that money for, in order not to lose it?

I really wanted a 2 years age difference between you two, because between me and my sister there are 3 years, and I always felt like it was too much for us to be close, and too little for her to see me as a big sister.

I sound shallow but I’m not, I’m a responsible person and a planner, and I try to give the best to my family. I hate when there is nothing I can do.

Sorry for the stream of emotions I threw you under! But you really are the best listener!

We’ll get through this, baby boy.

Love you to madness

Mom

Lost

Dear T.,

So it seems like you won’t be a big brother just yet.

Yesterday I had my visit with the doctor and I felt really nervous. I felt something was not right. With you, it was so easy, but I still felt that something was going on. This time, there are no symptoms. I convinced the doctor to do an ultrasound to check. And there it was, it turned out a mother’s instincts can be trusted. There isn’t what you would expect to be there at the 8th week. Even I could see it. I remember when I went with you, at the end of my 6th week, and they showed me the little you, and a little movement, which was your heart already clearly beating.

The ultrasound woman didn’t talk, like they always do, but I knew. And she didn’t give me a picture, like they usually do.

The doctor said my calculations could be wrong, because there was exactly like a 5-6 weeks pregnancy looks like. The thing is, I’m OCD, and we wanted this baby, so I 100% sure of my dates. And I had a positive at 5 weeks, so there is no mistake here. Still, we have to wait 2 more weeks and have another sonogram that will confirm this bad news. And then see what to do from there. So a few not fun months are ahead of me.

It hurt more than I expected. I have a tendency of being pessimistic just so I won’t get hurt, but there is always a little voice convinced I’m just trying not to jinx it, but that everything will be fine. And this time it wasn’t.

It was a horrible day, the longest to be at work when I just wanted to be on my own. When I got home, and Dad hugged me, you hugged me too, then you took my hand, you led me to the couch and made me sit, then offered me a tissue (after cleaning your nose first, LOL).

That obviously made me cry even more.

I really planned for this, the age different would have been perfect, you will be ready in a few months, I really want to give you a sibling. I feel like I underestimated this pregnancy, I didn’t give it the right importance. I know I shouldn’t hope, but that little voice inside of me, still asks for a little miracle, in two weeks.

Love you,

Sad Mom

Perfect

If I only could stop the time, I’d make these months last forever. The only reason I won’t do it is (besides the fact that I can’t) that I’m also looking forward to the future you. But right now, you are so funny, and smart, and learning so much, and such a perfect little man, that I can’t picture any better you.

Lately you’ve even become more affectionate, a cuddler. You look for physical contact more than before, you communicate. You understand and you do as you are told. You repeat everything on command, even long words we had no idea you could pronounce. I counted more than 50. Last one was applesauce.

You love the company of other kids, you are so much fun!

I love that you are nor scared of dogs, and you are cool about it. Snickers next door acts crazy every time we walk by the fence, and jump on the fence and barks at you, but you just point at him, try to reach him, then you get tired of the barking and you keep doing your thing after saying “DOG, BYE BYE, GO BYEBYE”, like you are totally indifferent to the noise, and couldn’t care less.

I love that you are learning to potty train, that you don’t fight me anymore when I brush your teeth. You like to get it done on the window seal, so you go sit there and wait for me to come over and start brushing. And you let me change your diaper, but every time you picked a different spot: on the living room rug, or your bedroom’s, or the kitchen, or your bed. I just need to follow you and you’ll let me change you, as long as you pick the spot. And I love that I get you, I know what you mean, and I don’t even know how it’s possible, but I do.

lately you like to bury yourself in the toys box. You empty it, then climb in, then ut back in all the toys until you can’r move. Then you start over.

I hope the new baby is a girl, just because I can’t think it could exist a better you, and it would just be easier this way. I know I’ll feel different once he’s born, but now this is just the way I feel. Couldn’t hope for anything better than you.

Love,

Mom

Big Brother

Dear Tristan,

I’ve just found out we’ll have another baby in November. It happened so fast, we barely started to think about it and bam! Pregnant. Yesterday I was thinking that, despite all the stress we have in our lives, this is a big one we were spared. I know so many people have troubles having a baby, and want it so much. This creates stress, both between husband and wife and also financially. This is something we didn’t have! We got super lucky both times.

I don’t want to say this, but I’m torn between hoping for a girl or another boy. I mean, I know I’d like the girl so we can have the couple, and because I’ve always wanted a big brother. Then I think teenagers years, and a girl scares me LOL!

But I’m concerned about a boy because of the name he’ll have… When your dad agreed to name you Tristan, I promised him the second one would be Calvin, which was his choice. Now that we are talking about moving to Italy, I don’t want it anymore because in italian it means “little bald man” so he’ll be bullied. At the same time, I keep my promises, so… A Matilde would make everything easier, name-wise!

Whatever it will be, it will be loved, hopefully by you as well. This place the sleeping in your own bed a priority in the next 9 months, or you won be able to sleep properly once the baby comes.

You started talking, and you won’t stop! Lately you repeat everything. You learnt papaya, salta (jump), zia, your name!!!, “bad bad Tristan”, bravo, patata, arrivati, latte, milk, tavolo, pronto, hello, please, cheese, and some more.

This is a great time of you, and you are still the cutest! Your little brother, if he is going to be a brother, will have a high standard to meet, poor thing, He can only be better than you in one thing: be a good sleeper in his own bed!

Love you always, Big Brother…

Mom

Piccolo Uomo

Dear Tristan,

exciting week!! On Thursday, you told us you needed the potty, so we went to get it and you used it (three times!!!) standing and sitting overtime you had to go. So proud!! 20 months!!

On Friday at day care you got a black eye. Not while fighting with a 3 year old like Dad likes to say, but slipping while pushing a toy lawn mower. Not as cool but you didn’t even cry. So now you have a decently big cut on your eyelid, and a purple eye.

At this age, you are repeating pretty much everything we say, as long as we don’t ask you to.

You recognise all the shape both in english and italian (I think it’s amazing!), some of the new words you learned lately are mani, ready, cheese, yogurt, outside, dentro, lí, see you, happy birthday, butt.

You are a great eater and LOVE yard work and watering things. Now you go out by yourself (usually naked), take the hose and water plants, while we are still in the house.

16 teeth (top canines coming out just now).

Gotta go get lunch ready!

Love,

Mom