Love Love Love

At bedtime, while reading a story:

“Mommy, I like you”.

Today, since you’ve been so good to me I thought I’d risk it so I asked you: “How much do you love me?” and you said “So much”.

I so do too.

Love ,

Mom

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Lollipops

In the car, after saying that Miss Tomicar, your new teacher, is “super good” and giving her the thumbs up, you said something about her and lollipop. Since I know she didn’t give you any, I asked you if you wanted to give one to her, for being so good.

Your answer, super serious:

“No, mamma! I can;t give a lollipop to Miss Tomcat!!! She is too old!!!!”

You cracked me up!!!

And later on the road you said “I like that car”. I looked, expecting a bright color super cool car, but what you were referring to was a Grey Toyota Yaris.

Already practical, cheap and European!

Love you to pieces, you little funny man,

Mom

Dalle stelle alle stalle alle stelle alle…

I just can’t seem to be able to keep up with this blog!

By the time I manage to write, so many things have changed since I wanted to, that it almost doesn’t make sense anymore. I’ll think of this as a good thing because I’d rather spend with you all my time than writing about it.

The welcome back you gave me when I got back from my China business trip was something I will always remember. You asked about me this time, while I was gone, and didn’t want grandma to wipe your butt (“I want mommy do it!”), and according to Grandma you said “I love Mommy so much” once. I still don’t believe it’s true, but what do I know.

I came in on a Monday morning. Knocked on the door and you were on Facetime with Aunt Sara. You came and saw me, gave the phone to grandma and came and hugged me, smiling. I was on my knees hugging you tight, then you detached and looked and me smiling as to make sure I was really there, then hugged me again. When I stood up, you kept hugging my legs and looking at me. It was just awesome and made the trip worth it (despite I got kind of sick this time over there).

Eventually you were busy with grandma’s ipad so I was taking a shower when I heard you crying and knocking at the bathroom door. You didn’t want grandma and you kept calling me until I got out of the shower, and held you tight. We hugged and you wouldn’t let go as if you were afraid I could go away again.

This perfect parenthesis was closed once grandma left and you realized that you had to go back to school, and I would be the bad guy bringing you there.

You started having those episode of morning craziness again (of which I am the only victim), when you get up but are still half asleep and you see me only and want daddy. Daddy is already at work and you just won’t accept it. You start having a sort of tantrum which is way worse because you are not you, and you won’t let me get any closer, as if you were terrified of me. I don’t wish you to find out how that can make a parent feel. Not being able to comfort you, and actually having the feeling you are scared of me, gave me a really hard time. Nothing I did or tried helped. I tried them all. And then, all of a sudden, you would snap out of it and stop crying and be normal again and we’d be friends as always. And I would be the one scared and upset, thinking if there is anything wrong with you and looking into family genetic history of craziness.

I couldn’t find any case like this on the internet, and nobody has ever assisted to these crisis, but I would go to bed dreading the morning.

Then you got sick and were contagious and super itchy (hand foot and mouth disease, bad bad case. No fever, no internal mouth sores, but A LOT on hands and legs and super itchy). You stayed at home for a week and Dad and I alternated work from home and time at the office.

The first couple of nights were awful: nobody slept and everybody was on the edge, and there was nothing we could do to alleviate your itch or pain.

One of those nights, you had a crazy episode with Dad, who was tired and kind of dropped you in my arms cursing and screaming that he was done, and went to bed, leaving me to calm you down. I was successful and that night I ended up staying with you on the couch (probably getting 2 hours of sleep max).

The next morning, when you woke up on the couch and saw me, you started whining and asked for Daddy. And I felt like it didn’t matter what I did for you, rocked you all night, held you awake on the couch all night, carried you around for hours (pregnant!!!), be patient when Dad was done and done, you would always be a daddy’s boy. I felt like a failure and I thought it was unfair because never in my life I thought I would feel like a not good enough mother. Me, who dreamt about kids since I was little, me, who had 4 imaginary daughters when I was 2 years old (Yeah – funny names: Cioffitta, Caramella, Lucida and Trombina), now that I finally have the wonderful, perfect boy of my dreams, he doesn’t seem to love me. I know all mothers eventually feel this way probably, but I don’t think there are many who have the feeling their kids are scared of them, with no reason. I never raised a hand on you, I have A LOT of patience, I involve you in activities like cleaning and cooking and let you participate even if doing so will slow me down and make a mess. When you call me, I always listen to you and look at you, while when you call Dad he keeps looking at his phone and you have to call him several times before he pays attention. And I felt like you didn’t appreciate any of that. None of that mattered.

That week you also started talking about emotions, you would say things like “daddy is not happy at me” or asking “are you happy at me?”. That soon became “I’m not happy at you!” any time we would say “no”.

And you manage to hurt me with words as well, after one super fun night where I played with you for hours (while dad was watching Netflix), when I put you to bed and asked you if you were happy, and you said “I’m not happy at you. I’m angry at you, and I’m happy at daddy”.

If I didn’t hang myself then, I don’t think I ever will. I just wanted to scream “What the F****!!!???”.

But the extra time with me that week might have helped somehow, because this week you never had another case of craziness in the morning, even though I had to bring you back to school. You wake up and you smile at me, you come looking for me and you are happy to see me. You even say so “I’m happy at you (and I’m happy at daddy – you are always happy at daddy 😉). This morning you asked for him but were ok when you realized he wasn’t there. I knock on wood hoping I didn’t jinx it and this great relationship we developed this week will continue, because you’ve been just wonderful. I couldn’t ask for a sweeter, smarter, funnier and more pleasant kid. I’m so happy at you!!!!

On a different note, your baby sister is doing great! We try not to make such a big deal of it not to upset you, but she is moving a lot. I introduced you to diaper changes and bottle feeding and I got you a few books about babies. We used a flashlight on my belly to make her move but I don’t think you were able to feel her, this little lady is already a sneaky monkey and moves a lot when you and daddy are not there.

The other day I saw you playing with a kid from your class and it was so nice! You guys were really playing together with worms, dirt and car keys and it just felt right. I wish we had friends with kids your age here so you could play more often.

Yesterday I brought you a little stuffed hedgehog when I picked you up and you were so sweet to him and the whole ride in the car you were talking to him asking him “do you want to play with my toys with me? Yeah? Okaaay! You tired, you want to close your eyes and go to sleep? Okaaay! Peekabooo!”. I think eventually you’ll make a wonderful big brother.

Love,

Mom

January

I wanted to write a month ago, when on January 1st you had a mommy day. Since you are usually a daddy’s boy, it was awesome. That day we went to the beach, and the whole day you just wanted mommy. I can’t deny it, I was shining inside.

Potty training is still going smoothly, and most morning you wake up dry, or call us during the night.

We took away your ciuccio on the 20th. Except for one night, you are still asking for it, but we are not giving up. I want to make sure you are not interested in it anymore before  July.  Because… a baby sister is coming in July!!! I kept the secret until Christmas when I gave Dad a box with the ultrasound picture. I wanted to avoid him the pain in case of another miscarriage. I can’t avoid it, but he did;t need to go through that again. But man, was it hard! This time I felt sick every day, and dog tired, and hungry! I still can’t believe Dad didn’t figure it out. He is really not observant. Next time he says I’m an open book I’m going to have a big laugh!

You are not so keen on this news, though. On one side you don’t seem to really understand, on the other… Maybe you understand too well.

One day you were having a tantrum (oh yeah, this happens 2 a day lately) and you hit me. Your hands hit my belly, so I told you that you were hitting the baby. I though that would have worked better than telling you you were hurting me, since it was me you were mad at. But, instead, you just did it again. And a third time. In that moment, I thought you knew what you were doing. I got you a couple of books about babies and you have refused to look at them for days. Then one day I chose a good moment and you let me read you one. You made me read it three times. Since then, we usually read it once a day. You have learnt that whatever mommy eats go to the baby through the tube, and that when baby has his head down, it’s ready to get out. It’s pretty cool to hear you explaining that!

I’m exciting of this new girl, and happy it’s a little girl. I’ve always wanted an older brother, and it will be nice to have one of each. Even though you’ll be the only boy of the family. I also think it might create less animosity in sharing toys and stuff. But we’ll see.

Lately you’ve been so difficult that the thought of having a baby to take care of, in a few months, make me panic. You’ve been waking up at night, and crying, then whine, no talking, like you are in a  sort of trance and we need to exorcise you. Honestly, it starts from nothing and stops with nothing, leaving us exhausted. One day I manage to calm you, the other dad does, and then all over again.

Mornings are the worst. Since a week ago, you started getting up and saying “go away mommy” which hurts me deeply. I know it’a a common phase, but still. I come in all happy to see you, and that’s your first sentence to me?? Good morning to you too! At first I explain to you that you’re not been nice, and that go away is not something we say in our house. I will leave you but I’ll be in the kitchen if you want me. As soon as I move to leave the room, you start crying desperately as if you don;t want me to go. I come back and you repeat the go away crap.

Then you start pushing or kicking away, which I can’t accept. I get mad, I raise my voice. It’s the apex and from there it can only get better. Eventually something clicks in you and you stops crying, you say sorry mommy and go back to be human again. Meanwhile, I aged three years and i’m late for work.

Between these mornings, and the nights when you don’t fall asleep until 11 and then wake up several times and want one of us to go into your room and stay there until you are asleep again, I feel I’m forgetting I’m pregnant and I should be thinking more of this baby girl. I feel already guilty that I’m not as attentive to her as I was with you. I can’t wait to feel her move to feel it’s real. I also hope you’ll understand then too. And this phase will be over, or I will end up killing myself. If we have a baby sleeping and you start making these crazy scenes and wake her up, and have two of you needing attentions, I don;t think I could handle it. I know everybody does but right now I’m not sure I’d have the strength.

Dad just left your room and you must be sleeping, and it’s “only 21.52”!! Big success this week!

You were having a tantrum and kept saying “no” in a whiny voice while you were sitting alone in the bathroom doorway. Weirdo. Btw, you did;t brush your teeth tonight. Sneaky monkey…!

Oh! I just remember something funny you did before all this bad tantrums era started!

One day we got home from school. You went into the living room, while I’m in the bathroom washing my hands. All of a sudden you come to the door pointing  your accusing finger at me and shouting with an evil look:”you hide the TV buttons to watch the TV! it’s not there! where you hide it?? You SNEAKY MONKEY!!!”.

I swear to god when I heard you calling me that I burst out laughing. I felt so busted and amused at the same time!

Ten minutes later the same night I was washing you hands when i smelled something so I asked you “whoa… stinky…! did you prot (toot)?”. And you, super serious: “no mamma, I tooted at Bubble school”.

And again, the same night, at dinner you said “I gotta go pee pee” (you always have to go poo or pee while we are having dinner). “Ok, let’s go!”.

“No. You don’t come and you don’t come”. The you took a few steps, turned around and gave us a warning glaze and pointed a finger and repeated: ” you don;t come! I do all by myself!”. And so you did.

 

Potty trained

It’s official!! You are potty-trained!!!

Yuppieeeeee!!!

Can’t even tell you how proud I am. It’s been 2 weeks, and no accidents, at school nor at home. Even better, now you nap without a diaper, and 2 nights ago you woke up and told me you needed to pee, so we went, and the next morning your diaper was dry! And last night you slept and didn’t wake up, and this morning it was dry again!! Incredible!!!

Not even 2 and a half! I feel as proud as a peacock. This was really easy with you, hats off, my baby!

After a few days making scenes because you didn’t want to go to Bubble school, these last 2 days were ok, and you didn’t cry. You have been a good boy for over a week now, which is a new record. You are super sweet and I love you to death. You are growing so quickly, we found you putting a box on top of a chair and try to get on it to reach the top of the dresser. You get the concept of sticking 2 objects on top of each other to increase height.

You’ve been hiding little objects (Elfy, the Fa lala book, my cooking thermometer, and some toys) in one of the bathroom drawers.

Yesterday you kept saying “I wanna be a fireman! and pssssshhhhhh (spraying sound)!”.

When we tell you that Santa won;t bring you gifts if you are a bad boy, you start shouting “I’m a good boy, I’m a good boy!!”

Little things, fascinating little things make our days fun, interesting, and we are so amazed by you.

Oh yeah! Yesterday you started doing Kung Fu. You are also pretty good with your moves! I must take a video of you doing it, it’s totally worth it!

Nanna time now, mama is coming!!

Love you,

Mom

Bittersweet

And like always, they are gone. Right when they were almost becoming part of our routine, and we were getting used to have them in our house. For nonno, this was the first time here at our place, and despite the first 2 days (they were hard), then he settled in ok, or at least he looked like he did. Nonna is always the same, always trying to help out. We could;t have the great time we were hoping for, because of the weather, but we still managed a very good Thanksgiving and a great seafood dinner at South Port.

And, hear hear…! That week we took off diaper during day time, and even in the car. And even with a diaper on, you will tell us you need to pee and won’t wet the diaper.

Distance. I feel so torn. As soon as they arrive I feel overwhelmed and could;t even imagine going back to Italy, and be close. But then… when they leave, I always cry, it just happens, I don;t know why. They are still my family, and I wish we could find a compromise and be closer than thousands of miles away.

Bittersweet.

Thank you

Dear Tristan, what would I do without you? In days like today, I can’t say nothing but a big big thank you!

I was down, emotional, disappointed. After the miscarriage, this second baby is still not happening. I think psychologically I’m scared to death. Of another miscarriage, of a difficult pregnancy, of another recovery, and of another baby, with no help whatsoever. I think of how hard it is now sometimes, and wonder how we’ll manage. I know we’re not the only ones, and that it will be fine, but I worry about us, about us being happy as a family. Og you being jealous. Of dad been put aside. Of me being exhausted, and crabby, and of letting myself go.

But days like today, it just makes me sad not being able to have all that all over again.

And, at the same time, I don;t need anything else, you are so enough. You fill my heart and you couldn’t be more perfect. just like that. And that makes me want to give you a baby brother or sister, so you can have someone to play with, not having anybody. Somebody to be a good example for, somebody who can look up to you, somebody to protect and to show off.

Today you were good all day. No whining, no tantrums, very affectionate, funny, sweet, obedient, cool, smart, chitchatty.

You woke up early and woke me up with a sweet “wake up mammy, get up!”. Breakfast. Grocery shopping with me, and you helped putting things on the counter and use the credit card. Back home to hang out, you were tired, we cooked and ate pasta. Potty! It’s been 7 days since you’ve used the potty consistently at home, you still pee in the diaper if you have it on, but no major accidents. And when you use the potty, you are just hilarious: you hold the sink with one hand, and my shoulder with the other, then really get into it and look like a woman in labor in the pushing phase. It’s impossible to stay serious.

Then nap time, and it was quite easy. You woke up early and just came knocking on the back door where we were just sitting down. Watched Oddbods, then we went to the park wth your tricycle, saw a bunch of iguanas and ran after them. Walked all the way back on my shoulders, while you were intentionally letting yourself go backwards so it was super hard for me not to let you fall. Went and swam in the neighbours’ pool, and you jumped in the water with the angry jump, the nanna jump, the do-up do-do-up.. do do do doo-up jump, the backward jump. You were having a blast. Came back and let me give you a shower!!! Lately you are terrorised of getting in the tub, and we have no idea why.  So that was a nice surprise! Then hanged a little waiting for dinner, dinner was great and you ate super well, then play the monster game where you pretend to be a monster and scare me or daddy. The play with magnetic tiles, and drew a few happy faces and monsters with 3 eyes. You can definitely draw a face: a circle, then 2 eyes, a mouth, but tonight you pushed it to 2 ears and a nose as well!

Then bed time, read a few stories and you fell asleep on my legs like you are lately doing every night. Not that I mind, not at all. Today you were a mommy’s boy but also super cool with dad. You were just adorable all day long for both of us. And you made my day get better, and me happy.

You are my wonder. A wonderful, wonderful child.

Love you to pieces.

Mom