You you you and some girl talk (sorry!)

Dear Tristan,

this is the third night I put you to sleep in your own bed, and there you stay all night (waking up once). I can’t believe this is really happening! I don’t want to jinx it, and hopefully we won’t screw up and the trip to Italy won’t upset you like they did last year.

We just came back from MN and it was horrible. What happened to the wonderful traveler you used to be?? You were great on the plane and did pretty good, considering the long flight and your age, but didn’t do well over there. It was our fault mostly, we didn’t insist strongly enough to keep you on your schedule, trying not to be a pain, but oh well, lesson learnt. Definitely worth it to be a pain, if it’ll avoid you getting sick and staying up 3 nights in a row screaming constantly. Fever, gagging, crying, no appetite, no sleep and crankiness and neediness disappeared as soon as we got back home. There is no place like home, they say… So darn true!

Your potty training is going great, now you request privacy and you slam the door in our faces if we try to follow you in the bathroom (mostly to make sure you won’t make a mess trying to wipe your butt or pour your poop into the toilet). From outside the door, we hear “Yayyyyy!!!” and you finally open and let us in to admire your masterpiece. OMG you are so awesome!

Today you repeated “pipistrello” (bat), and it’w weird to hear you repeat difficult words like it’s no big deal, when just a few months ago you couldn’t say anything.

Lullabies: La pecora nel bosco, Dindondena, State svegli ad aspettar, the Legend of the Fall.

New things learnt: wash your hands on the stool, wipe your butt, shampoo, trying to put shoes on, hand cream and Purell, switch on and off the TV, start the Roomba, vacuum and clean (your favorite activities with watering plants and cooking).

As much as I’m concerned, we confirmed there is no baby. This weekend it will be a tough one as I have to take pills to end this. The worst part is that I don’t feel good. I’ve been having sharp muscle pain all over, but especially my arms, and tonight I almost dropped you. Then I got scared. I got scared because of this pain I can’t explain and that doesn’t go away with drugs, and that I see no reason for. I know so many people who got sick from one day to the other, with no warning, and now that you are in our life I’m, really scared that something bad can happen to one of us. I couldn’t stand the thought of it, so anything weird with no explanation freaks me out. And knowing what’s awaiting me this weekend, I would like to feel good, at least physically.

Now I found some old strong Ibuprofen and it worked, I feel much better. I wonder if this is anyhow related to what’s happening to my body right now, because something is definitely happening. I just got a big tummy! Wtf! I didn’t have that yesterday, and tonight it just showed up and I can’t even hold it in. Isn’t this ironic. Perks of being a woman….

Good for you you’ll never know any of this.

Sorry for the girl talk here, but I need to vent somewhere.

Love ya!

Mom

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Lost

Dear T.,

So it seems like you won’t be a big brother just yet.

Yesterday I had my visit with the doctor and I felt really nervous. I felt something was not right. With you, it was so easy, but I still felt that something was going on. This time, there are no symptoms. I convinced the doctor to do an ultrasound to check. And there it was, it turned out a mother’s instincts can be trusted. There isn’t what you would expect to be there at the 8th week. Even I could see it. I remember when I went with you, at the end of my 6th week, and they showed me the little you, and a little movement, which was your heart already clearly beating.

The ultrasound woman didn’t talk, like they always do, but I knew. And she didn’t give me a picture, like they usually do.

The doctor said my calculations could be wrong, because there was exactly like a 5-6 weeks pregnancy looks like. The thing is, I’m OCD, and we wanted this baby, so I 100% sure of my dates. And I had a positive at 5 weeks, so there is no mistake here. Still, we have to wait 2 more weeks and have another sonogram that will confirm this bad news. And then see what to do from there. So a few not fun months are ahead of me.

It hurt more than I expected. I have a tendency of being pessimistic just so I won’t get hurt, but there is always a little voice convinced I’m just trying not to jinx it, but that everything will be fine. And this time it wasn’t.

It was a horrible day, the longest to be at work when I just wanted to be on my own. When I got home, and Dad hugged me, you hugged me too, then you took my hand, you led me to the couch and made me sit, then offered me a tissue (after cleaning your nose first, LOL).

That obviously made me cry even more.

I really planned for this, the age different would have been perfect, you will be ready in a few months, I really want to give you a sibling. I feel like I underestimated this pregnancy, I didn’t give it the right importance. I know I shouldn’t hope, but that little voice inside of me, still asks for a little miracle, in two weeks.

Love you,

Sad Mom

Big Brother

Dear Tristan,

I’ve just found out we’ll have another baby in November. It happened so fast, we barely started to think about it and bam! Pregnant. Yesterday I was thinking that, despite all the stress we have in our lives, this is a big one we were spared. I know so many people have troubles having a baby, and want it so much. This creates stress, both between husband and wife and also financially. This is something we didn’t have! We got super lucky both times.

I don’t want to say this, but I’m torn between hoping for a girl or another boy. I mean, I know I’d like the girl so we can have the couple, and because I’ve always wanted a big brother. Then I think teenagers years, and a girl scares me LOL!

But I’m concerned about a boy because of the name he’ll have… When your dad agreed to name you Tristan, I promised him the second one would be Calvin, which was his choice. Now that we are talking about moving to Italy, I don’t want it anymore because in italian it means “little bald man” so he’ll be bullied. At the same time, I keep my promises, so… A Matilde would make everything easier, name-wise!

Whatever it will be, it will be loved, hopefully by you as well. This place the sleeping in your own bed a priority in the next 9 months, or you won be able to sleep properly once the baby comes.

You started talking, and you won’t stop! Lately you repeat everything. You learnt papaya, salta (jump), zia, your name!!!, “bad bad Tristan”, bravo, patata, arrivati, latte, milk, tavolo, pronto, hello, please, cheese, and some more.

This is a great time of you, and you are still the cutest! Your little brother, if he is going to be a brother, will have a high standard to meet, poor thing, He can only be better than you in one thing: be a good sleeper in his own bed!

Love you always, Big Brother…

Mom

Little man grows up

Hi Love,

you just fell asleep next to me and I’m gonna take some mines to write you something. Maybe I should just write something brief every day, but I just can’t get hold of my computer at the right moments.

So you are officially walking and on Wednesday we walked into school for the first time! I can’t believe it took you so little… in a week, you were taking your first steps and then walking everywhere!

You’ve also said a couple more words.. you have been saying Mamma for a long time now, but lately you say it with a question mark at the end, every time you hear the garage door opening and somebody walking in… You say “Mamma?” like to confirm it’s me. You finally said Dada meaning Dad, and yesterday you even said that in italian, “Papà”.

You have been mouthing ‘pappa’ (food) for quite a while, but now you use your voice. You can roar like a lion and you said ‘bye bye’.

Tooth #7 is coming out!. You dance swinging from side to side and clapping your hands. You are a pro with fork and spoon… or better, you were until last week, now you rather use your hands.

You like to put your face in the running water and laugh like crazy when you do that! Yesterday we took a hilarious video with you doing that in the backyard with the shower hose. So funny!

You can mime the monkey jumping on the bed song, bumping your head and saying ‘no no no’ with your finger. This is old news now, but it’s still adorable. You also do ‘no no no’ before doing anything you shouldn’t be doing… and then you do it anyway :D.

You point at the spider and with your hands try to copy when when I sing Incy Wincy spider climbing up the water spout. You also do the mosquitos when I start singing the seasons song. At school they say you are really smart and love art and you have been jealous lately of a younger child and don’t like when the teacher hold him. I’ve never seen you jealous before… but we also never had smaller kids around.

You are sleeping better at night, maybe because we started the melatonin after doctor’s recommendation, but you still sleep in our bed. I wonder how we can change this habit.

You still eat everything but fish… you are really not a fan.

I’m gonna make you some gelato now. Sleep tight!

Love you more than yesterday,

Mom

Aaaand…. we are walking!

Just like that! Yesterday night you took 1 step, by mistake, to get to your Birthday Bear. Then you fell over. When I try to make you do it again, you whined and were lazy.

Tonight you were doing a lot of one step attempt, then took your little pushing cart and went on, when you stopped, without any notice, you just left it there and walked to us. I turned my head and you were walking!! LOL I know my face must have been pretty funny!! Maybe because you saw how excited we were, you started to launch yourself to places and trying to make little steps. And when you tried to reach my phone on the couch, I took it and put it on the rug and told you to go get it. And so you did… 8 steps!!! Like you’d been doing it for days. And got cocky…. now you feel invincible!

We are so proud of you… and the best thing is… we got you on video!!!! Love you my little walker. So exciting!!!

Mom

12 months ago…

It was Friday night, like a normal day after work. After my last day of work, actually, because I had my scheduled C-section for Monday at noon. I had the whole weekend planned. We were going to go to the fire station to make sure the car seat was put on properly, I was going to bake a few loaves of banana bread to have them once we were back from the hospital, I was going to wax my legs and do my hair to be in order for the big day and knowing that I wasn’t going to feel like doing my hair for a few days after the surgery.

We were in bed and at about 1am something woke me up. A pain. Mmh. This is new, I thought. Too bad I have no idea how false contractions feel, because these might be those. I read that false contractions would subdue if I changed position, so I moved around a bit, as much as that big belly allowed me to. Nothing. Still, I didn’t want to freak out and wake Dad for no reason. So I waited. In pain. For a couple of hours, silently hoping Dad would hear my muffled whines. At around 4am, I thought they were becoming stronger, and I decided they must be contractions… the real ones! Funny, but in that moment I just thought if I would have enough time and strength to wash my air before going to the hospital LOL! I downloaded an app to track contractions and they were about a minute long and 6 minutes apart. Whaaaat!! I got up and went looking for my notes from the meeting about delivery and stuff. I remember them saying 511 (5 minutes intervals, 1 minute long for at least 1 hour) for people to remember when it was necessary to go to the hospital. Oh shhhiiiiiiit I was in!!! So I finally woke Dad and told him I thought I was in labor. He didn’t know if we needed to go or not, so finally I told him we should go. I managed to shower, between contractions, but I couldn’t do my hair. Oh well. Dad showered too. I finished packing, and off we went. It was pretty funny in the car, trying to realise what was happening. I was talking and every few minutes I had to stop for the pain, and then the pain was gone completely and I could keep talking like nothing happened. We got there and they put me in a wheelchair waiting while the lady at the desk was also timing my contractions. A little part of me was still thinking “Probably they’ll tell me these are just false contractions and to go home.. “. Exactly what I wanted to avoid. But they didn’t. They admitted me and told me “You are going to have a baby!”. When we got to the room I told them that I has a scheduled C-section on Monday with Doctor Slaton and Rombro and I wanted to know which doctor was on call. I knew all of the doctors from the Omega group because they warned us that in emergency situation you might not get your own doctor but whoever was on call, so I met them all. Of all, one one I really didn’t like. And guess who was on call that day!! When the nurse told me, I turned around and told her “Are you kidding me?!???” and honestly I was ready to go. They exchange glances and said there was nothing they could do. So that’s how it began. I was about to cry.

They visited me and made an ultrasound to make sure you were still breech. They told me I was already 5cm! Dad was awesome. I think when the doctor arrived he went to talk to him to try and see if he could get at least one of my doctors as the assistant. We got lucky because my doctor was exactly who was going to be there! At least a familiar face! they got both me and dad ready, and that’s when I took the first picture. We thought about surprising our families but decided to let them know where we were, since it was going to be a surgery, after all.

IMG_3311They brought me in to do the spinal, and I was really good. It wasn’t easy to stay still with contractions getting stronger. They put me on the table and tied my arms and got ready, and they were about to start hen finally dad could come in and sit by my head. It was the weirdest feeling, I could feel everything but no pain. Weird. Dad caressed my hair the whole time. It didn’t feel like very long at all. At a certain point they told me they were going to pull you out and I asked Dad to take a video, and he did and a second later you were there, screaming full strength and so red!!! I can’t describe what I was feeling. Incredulous is the best word. I couldn’t believe what had happened and that you were ours. That you’d been in me for 39 weeks. They cleaned you up quickly, and Dad went with them while they were weighing you and checking you out. 7lb 14oz. I could’t see anything but we’ve got pictures of that so somebody must have taken them. And after what felt like forever, they brought you to me. They placed you right by my face and you were crying but stopped after a few seconds. I kept talking to you and I still remember how surprised I was by how soft your face was. It was better then silk, better than velvet, something I would never get tired of caressing.

IMG_3369I remember hearing a nurse saying she didn’t want to take him away. But they did, because they needed to stitch me up. I asked them to wait for me to give you a bath. After a loooong time finally they brought me to our room, and there you were, with Dad. He was… I think I’ve never felt so close to him before. It was like I knew that he could understand how I was feeling, because he was feeling the same. He kept smiling and looking at me with tears in his eyes. It was the strongest feeling for both of us, I think. And I was so happy that it felt so special despite of having a C-section, that I really didn’t want (you wouldn’t believe the things I’ve tried to make you turn. From chiropractor adjustments up in Lake Worth 3 times a week, from doing handstands in our neighbour’s pool, from weird position on the couch head down and on my elbow, from walking and stretching and whatever else I could find. And at the end, I was happy and wouldn’t change anything in that day. Even if we could have slept better or longer, and even if we had some little troubles afterwards (the day after we went home I had to go back for kidney stones but they thought it might be preeclampsia so it was not good).

Anyway, tomorrow we’ll have a small party. I baked you a cake. Strawberry and lemon, because that’s what you like lately. We’ll have balloons and sing happy birthday and I’ll wonder if you even know what the heck is going on. And meanwhile I’ll think about what was going on 12 months ago… And I think I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life, every jane 25th, at 9.27am…

Love you to the moon and back. You are so much better than in even my most beautiful dreams!

Mom

Naughty-Naughty!

Dear Tristan,

the other day you saw the lip balm on my nightstand, you grabbed it and you reached out to pass it on my lips. I thought it was quite amazing. I never showed you that! But it’s part of my morning routine and you’ve seen me doing that… and you knew…

You also tried to pass on my lips the nasal spray… -.-‘

Your first bday is coming up… I’m still thinking what to do. I don’t want to overwhelm you and sadly we don’t have any friends with small kids. We’ll see. I wish I had the time to bake you the coolest cake ever!!! I’m a little rusty so I would need some practise first, so it’s not going to happen.. especially now that you are been so needy! You never let go of our legs and we can’t leave you alone for one second that you start screaming. Separation anxiety big time. Used to have always somebody by you during our trip, it’s a big reality check now that we are on our own again. Oh well… it would still be ok, if only you slept at night! But no… separation anxiety hit you at night at its worst. You hate the crib that you were sleeping in happily before, and you wake up every night crying like someone was torturing you. We tried to start over sleep training but it’s not working!!! You either don’t stop screaming or you are wide awake. You are giving us a hard time… I wish family was close. I do want a second child, but in these moments when I think about it rationally it seems a ticket to Disaster. I know we’d find a way, but I’m not sure at what cost. Being alone in a foreign country with no friends or family around, and when this country is America (which is not super mom-friendly) is revealing really tough.

I just hope this is just a phase. You are also being a little naughty, you definitely understand us but you still do what you are not supposed to… throwing food on the floor and then screaming. Saturday I gave you a time out. It was just to try and see what you would do, you were driving me insane and I gave it a try. I turned the high chair you were on the other way and I didn’t talk to you until I finished what I was doing (preparing you dinner). You didn’t like that, but you also didn’t learn the lesson. At what age parents should get mad at kids who don’t listen? Sometimes I’m sure you know exactly what’s going on, sometimes you are still a baby… My baby.

My little dude… Thank God you are cute!!! 😉

Love Always,

Mom