Listen

Dear T.,

If it weren’t for you, I’d be much worse. But I don’t want my sadness to affect you so as long as you are around me, I don’t think about it. I don’t feel anything, so as long as my head is busy, it’s easy. It’s after you fall asleep and I’m done with Mad Men, that I have to go to sleep and let the bad thought come over me. I have bad dreams about the baby and yesterday I had a good one, which maybe it’s eve worse because it makes me hope, when I shouldn’t.

It’s when I’m driving after dropping you off at school, that I start thinking and I can’t help but crying again. I think I’m a lucky one, this happened after you, so I know we can have a healthy baby, this was just a setback. I think of all the women who try for years and don’t succeed and start giving up. I know I would.

But still… A part of me refuse to talk about this, sees no point in venting with other people, another side of me needs to, to avoid being asked questions that would hurt or make me lie, like “don’t you want another baby? Isn’t it time yet?”.

That’s why I write. Maybe you are not the best listener yet, but that’s exactly what I need. Just to say the words, to describe my feelings, without anybody commenting.

I just feel sorry because I think you’d be ready. You are starting to be fascinated by babies and you are nice to them. We have been watching a video I found on Facebook with big kids meeting their baby brothers or sisters for the first time and I asked you if you’d like a baby in the house and you said “Yeah…”. I know you have no idea what you agreed to, but still made me feel so bad about this not happening yet!

And then, there are the less emotional reasons for which I’m a little ashamed. We decided to pay for PPO insurance this year, so that the delivery would be cheaper. Now, even if we do get pregnant again, delivery will happen too late so we’ll have been paying for PPO a whole year for nothing. I put money in the FSA account knowing I would use them for delivery. Now that there won’t be a delivery within a year, what am I going to use that money for, in order not to lose it?

I really wanted a 2 years age difference between you two, because between me and my sister there are 3 years, and I always felt like it was too much for us to be close, and too little for her to see me as a big sister.

I sound shallow but I’m not, I’m a responsible person and a planner, and I try to give the best to my family. I hate when there is nothing I can do.

Sorry for the stream of emotions I threw you under! But you really are the best listener!

We’ll get through this, baby boy.

Love you to madness

Mom

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Lost

Dear T.,

So it seems like you won’t be a big brother just yet.

Yesterday I had my visit with the doctor and I felt really nervous. I felt something was not right. With you, it was so easy, but I still felt that something was going on. This time, there are no symptoms. I convinced the doctor to do an ultrasound to check. And there it was, it turned out a mother’s instincts can be trusted. There isn’t what you would expect to be there at the 8th week. Even I could see it. I remember when I went with you, at the end of my 6th week, and they showed me the little you, and a little movement, which was your heart already clearly beating.

The ultrasound woman didn’t talk, like they always do, but I knew. And she didn’t give me a picture, like they usually do.

The doctor said my calculations could be wrong, because there was exactly like a 5-6 weeks pregnancy looks like. The thing is, I’m OCD, and we wanted this baby, so I 100% sure of my dates. And I had a positive at 5 weeks, so there is no mistake here. Still, we have to wait 2 more weeks and have another sonogram that will confirm this bad news. And then see what to do from there. So a few not fun months are ahead of me.

It hurt more than I expected. I have a tendency of being pessimistic just so I won’t get hurt, but there is always a little voice convinced I’m just trying not to jinx it, but that everything will be fine. And this time it wasn’t.

It was a horrible day, the longest to be at work when I just wanted to be on my own. When I got home, and Dad hugged me, you hugged me too, then you took my hand, you led me to the couch and made me sit, then offered me a tissue (after cleaning your nose first, LOL).

That obviously made me cry even more.

I really planned for this, the age different would have been perfect, you will be ready in a few months, I really want to give you a sibling. I feel like I underestimated this pregnancy, I didn’t give it the right importance. I know I shouldn’t hope, but that little voice inside of me, still asks for a little miracle, in two weeks.

Love you,

Sad Mom

Big Brother

Dear Tristan,

I’ve just found out we’ll have another baby in November. It happened so fast, we barely started to think about it and bam! Pregnant. Yesterday I was thinking that, despite all the stress we have in our lives, this is a big one we were spared. I know so many people have troubles having a baby, and want it so much. This creates stress, both between husband and wife and also financially. This is something we didn’t have! We got super lucky both times.

I don’t want to say this, but I’m torn between hoping for a girl or another boy. I mean, I know I’d like the girl so we can have the couple, and because I’ve always wanted a big brother. Then I think teenagers years, and a girl scares me LOL!

But I’m concerned about a boy because of the name he’ll have… When your dad agreed to name you Tristan, I promised him the second one would be Calvin, which was his choice. Now that we are talking about moving to Italy, I don’t want it anymore because in italian it means “little bald man” so he’ll be bullied. At the same time, I keep my promises, so… A Matilde would make everything easier, name-wise!

Whatever it will be, it will be loved, hopefully by you as well. This place the sleeping in your own bed a priority in the next 9 months, or you won be able to sleep properly once the baby comes.

You started talking, and you won’t stop! Lately you repeat everything. You learnt papaya, salta (jump), zia, your name!!!, “bad bad Tristan”, bravo, patata, arrivati, latte, milk, tavolo, pronto, hello, please, cheese, and some more.

This is a great time of you, and you are still the cutest! Your little brother, if he is going to be a brother, will have a high standard to meet, poor thing, He can only be better than you in one thing: be a good sleeper in his own bed!

Love you always, Big Brother…

Mom

Farfalle nello stomaco

Non credo riuscirò mai ad abituarmi o stufarmi di questa strana sensazione, aliena ma allo stesso tempo familiare, di questo piccolo che si muove dentro di me. Alcuni lo descrivono come farfalle nello stomaco, ma non credo sia accurato… è più come qualcosa di molto piccolo che ha trovato i miei organi intenti e li sta usando per palleggiare. Poco romantico? Oh beh, la gravidanza non è tutta rosa e fiori, nonostante quello che in tante non dicono. Se non sapessi chi è questo qualcosa, sarebbe una sensazione poco piacevole e strana, ma visto che so che è il nostro pupetto, è una sensazione bellissima che ogni volta mi regala un sorriso gigantesco, una risata a testa buttata all’indietro, e lacrime di gioia.

Baby’s first movements!

Today the baby moved. I’m not sure whether or not it was the first time, but it was definitely the first time I had no doubt about him being the little guy making such a fuss in there! I honestly didn’t feel any butterflies or other things until today, at 21 weeks and 3 days pregnant, when every time I talked I felt someone tapping from the inside. It was super cool and unmistakable. Finally!!

Too bad he didn’t decide to do it few days ago while we were in Italy visiting my family… They would have been super excited. Oh well. I kind of like the idea of our first alone moment together.

So this morning I’m off and I decided to give him a chance, so I laid back in bed and started to talk to him. First in italian… and nothing. Then I thought of trying in English and calling him and I didn’t know how to call him, not having decided a name yet. Well… Adam gave up a few days ago and decided that Tristan was ok for him (as long as we call him TJ), and of course now that I won I started to have doubts about Tristan and consider Thomas as a good alternative. So I didn’t know how to call the baby and I went for Tristan, just to try it out loud. Well, it worked… every single time I called him, the baby tapped from the inside. My dad said he was complaining because he didn’t like the name… -.-‘

And all morning today I could feel him. It’s such a cool sensation, someone is surely alive inside of me! My belly sometimes gets really hard on one side and now I know it’s him. I’m gonna try every morning and see if Adam can feel him too.

Just wanted to report this huge event! Being running errands all day today, and tomorrow back to work. It’s such a beautiful day here in south Florida, maybe I’ll find some time to lay in the sun and get this belly  little tanned!