Dear T.,

If it weren’t for you, I’d be much worse. But I don’t want my sadness to affect you so as long as you are around me, I don’t think about it. I don’t feel anything, so as long as my head is busy, it’s easy. It’s after you fall asleep and I’m done with Mad Men, that I have to go to sleep and let the bad thought come over me. I have bad dreams about the baby and yesterday I had a good one, which maybe it’s eve worse because it makes me hope, when I shouldn’t.

It’s when I’m driving after dropping you off at school, that I start thinking and I can’t help but crying again. I think I’m a lucky one, this happened after you, so I know we can have a healthy baby, this was just a setback. I think of all the women who try for years and don’t succeed and start giving up. I know I would.

But still… A part of me refuse to talk about this, sees no point in venting with other people, another side of me needs to, to avoid being asked questions that would hurt or make me lie, like “don’t you want another baby? Isn’t it time yet?”.

That’s why I write. Maybe you are not the best listener yet, but that’s exactly what I need. Just to say the words, to describe my feelings, without anybody commenting.

I just feel sorry because I think you’d be ready. You are starting to be fascinated by babies and you are nice to them. We have been watching a video I found on Facebook with big kids meeting their baby brothers or sisters for the first time and I asked you if you’d like a baby in the house and you said “Yeah…”. I know you have no idea what you agreed to, but still made me feel so bad about this not happening yet!

And then, there are the less emotional reasons for which I’m a little ashamed. We decided to pay for PPO insurance this year, so that the delivery would be cheaper. Now, even if we do get pregnant again, delivery will happen too late so we’ll have been paying for PPO a whole year for nothing. I put money in the FSA account knowing I would use them for delivery. Now that there won’t be a delivery within a year, what am I going to use that money for, in order not to lose it?

I really wanted a 2 years age difference between you two, because between me and my sister there are 3 years, and I always felt like it was too much for us to be close, and too little for her to see me as a big sister.

I sound shallow but I’m not, I’m a responsible person and a planner, and I try to give the best to my family. I hate when there is nothing I can do.

Sorry for the stream of emotions I threw you under! But you really are the best listener!

We’ll get through this, baby boy.

Love you to madness



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