Lost

Dear T.,

So it seems like you won’t be a big brother just yet.

Yesterday I had my visit with the doctor and I felt really nervous. I felt something was not right. With you, it was so easy, but I still felt that something was going on. This time, there are no symptoms. I convinced the doctor to do an ultrasound to check. And there it was, it turned out a mother’s instincts can be trusted. There isn’t what you would expect to be there at the 8th week. Even I could see it. I remember when I went with you, at the end of my 6th week, and they showed me the little you, and a little movement, which was your heart already clearly beating.

The ultrasound woman didn’t talk, like they always do, but I knew. And she didn’t give me a picture, like they usually do.

The doctor said my calculations could be wrong, because there was exactly like a 5-6 weeks pregnancy looks like. The thing is, I’m OCD, and we wanted this baby, so I 100% sure of my dates. And I had a positive at 5 weeks, so there is no mistake here. Still, we have to wait 2 more weeks and have another sonogram that will confirm this bad news. And then see what to do from there. So a few not fun months are ahead of me.

It hurt more than I expected. I have a tendency of being pessimistic just so I won’t get hurt, but there is always a little voice convinced I’m just trying not to jinx it, but that everything will be fine. And this time it wasn’t.

It was a horrible day, the longest to be at work when I just wanted to be on my own. When I got home, and Dad hugged me, you hugged me too, then you took my hand, you led me to the couch and made me sit, then offered me a tissue (after cleaning your nose first, LOL).

That obviously made me cry even more.

I really planned for this, the age different would have been perfect, you will be ready in a few months, I really want to give you a sibling. I feel like I underestimated this pregnancy, I didn’t give it the right importance. I know I shouldn’t hope, but that little voice inside of me, still asks for a little miracle, in two weeks.

Love you,

Sad Mom

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2 thoughts on “Lost

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this uncertain time, I’ve been there and it’s awful. Hope is a good thing, whether this pregnancy continues or if the hope is fulfilled in a new pregnancy down the line. (((Hugs))) mama.

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