Rejected

Dear T.,

You are the youngest man who’s ever made me cry. And not just once, but several times. When you were born. When you were sick and cried all night and couldn’t sleep and I cried with you, thinking I can’t resist being up another night. And yesterday, again at night, when you pushed me away.

You are becoming more and more a daddy’s boy, which is cool, even though I always hoped to have that special mother and son relationship everybody talks about. But lately you haven’t been sleeping and the only one who can calm you down when you wake up whining is dad.

You must have canines coming out because you’ve been waking up several times a night and so did yesterday. It was 3am and I was the first one who comes to you trying to calm you down. I understand you more than Dad, I think, because I know you don’t like it when we leave. But he got up and left to use the bathroom, right when you were reaching out to him, so that you just lost it and started screaming. I would have never done that, I would have hold it and waited or at least I would have told you that I was going to be right back. So since I get all this and don’t do anything that in any way could make you upset even more, I would at least expect some gratitude, but no. You pushed me away when I was just trying to comfort you telling you dad would be right back.

This upset me so much I got secretly mad with dad because if he didn’t go away or if he had touched you or looked at you or told you “I’ll be right back”, you might not have screamed so much like you felt abandoned with me. You are still so little, and can hurt my feelings so much.

I just don’t get it. I know I’m the one who make you brush your teeth, change diaper, wash your hands, wash your hair and do all the stuff you don’t like to do, but I can’t justify you preferring your dad so much. I’m not jealous, I’m just hurt and I don’t understand. I’ve been wanting to be a mother since I was 3 while I had to force your dad to finally have you, and I’ve been with you since the beginning, talking and spending time with you even before your first smile, not caring that you were so little. Your dad was the last one to get a smile because he wouldn’t do anything to get one -not funny sounds, nothing you would find funny. He felt strange to be a clown to a little thing who didn’t do anything. And now all of that seems not to matter and you pushed me away.

I hate not being able to calm my baby.  I am little so I get it if you are more comfortable in dad’s arm. It make sense. I can barely lift you and there is just not enough space on me for you to be comfy. But you pushed me away. I don’t know why.

You act like women do: go after the ones who treats you badly (figuratively, obviously. What I mean is that Dad can call you little shit and tell you he is tired of you and that he is done and I couldn’t do that because I would feel like a horrible mother).

The funny thing is you have this preference only at night and when you are whiny or sick.

And then this morning when I woke up from my few hours night sleep with red eyes and went to the kitchen, you woke up and repeated  ‘mamma, mamma” and left the bed where dad was sleeping and came to the kitchen and stayed with me getting ready and playing from 6.45 to 8 when we left for school. You didn’t even realized your dad was still in bed, you didn’t ask for him once. So what is this?!? it s going to sound bad, but I felt a little better after this morning. Maybe we just need more time together? I’ll try to make some. I’m sorry I have to work full time, and when I get home I need to make dinner. I’ll try to be more organized so we can play more when I get home.

Anyway, I hope these canines will come out soon because this is very tiring!

To happier things now! Your love for destroying stuff just became love to build, and we’ve been building with the magnetic tiles little boxes where you like to put all your pastels. You finally learnt how to ride the bouncy pony and you really are an energetic hopper! We gotta watch you because you have no idea of what your are doing and fall backwards or forward every time.

You have a passion for high heels and you put my shoes on and try to walk and get upset when you lose the shoes.

You like to play pretend cooking and feed both me and dad and your stuffed animals.

You are not scared of the hairdryer anymore and want to use it for 5 seconds every night.

New words: “morn” (good morning), potapota (potato), allora (this is what you say better. It’s a word I overuse and dad makes fun of me repeating it and now you repeat it as well and sound very grown up when you say it).

I asked Dad to pick up food for dinner tonight, so we can have some quality time.

I’ll be home soon!

Mom

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