Sorry baby

Dear Tristan,

you are asleep and I’ve been hugging you and caressing you while crying quietly. I’m so sorry. I’m so upset because tonight I got mad at you. You were throwing food on the floor (like you always do when you don’t want that food anymore) but I got mad and I looked at you with a stern face and I even raised my voice. I’m usually patient, I don’t know what got into me tonight. Now I’m not being silly, I don’t this is not a big deal and that there will be thousands of times when I’ll be mad and that discipline should be taught, but… This upset me because I felt like I’m the bad parent. I’m upset because I’m afraid I’ll be like my dad. We were never hungry or unhappy or beaten hard or anything like that, but he was strict. Strict enough that we’ve always been scared of him. I don’t want to be like that for you. But this is what I know and it’s difficult not to make the same mistakes. I was upset because I don’t want you to feel – not even for a second- that I don’t love you. And then I got mad at dad because he wasn’t there, he was planting stuff in the yard at dinner time, and if he were there, maybe I wouldn’t have lost my patience. I was mad at him because I’ve never wanted to be the “strict parent”, the disciplinarian. But mostly, I am. Despite of my dad’s strict ways, I am happy to have learnt the things he taught me. I’m happy that I’m able to sit at the table properly, knowing good manners. I’m glad he was the way he was, because I think that worked. But still, I want to teach the same things, but use a different way. I was mad because Dad took you out from your highchair before I did, because I was busy preparing you the fruit to bring to day care tomorrow, so he looked like the good guy at your eyes. While I was the bad guy.

Anyway, I get upset very easily, you know that. After a while without crying, I just need to do it, to vent. So any little thing could start it. And that happened tonight. I was so glad that you were calling for me after your shower, so we did our usual routine with massage, songs, a story, and cuddles. And I felt better. But still I want you to know, even if you won’t remember tonight, that I will probably remember it, and I feel bad. Sorry, my love. I have some news to write (like you standing up for the first time, your first birthday party, and other cute things you are doing), but I really really needed to tell you that.

I love you always,

Mom

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