Heart-melting smile :)

Dear Tristan,

a milestone was reached this week! On Wednesday, August 10th, you cracked your first smile! And, guess what?? IT WAS FOR ME!!! No no, that wasn’t granted… With all the time you are spending with Grandma, I was almost sure that would have happened with her someday while I was at work. Which would have been fine, just… I wouldn’t want to miss it.

Soon…. not only you smiled at me, but you couldn’t have had a better timing πŸ™‚

That same day we went to meet a nanny… The only nanny, actually, that we knew and were considering. She was fine, very experienced, and her reference were great. So it was almost like to hand you over to somebody who you are going to love and with whom you’ll spend most days. This was hard. So much harder than I thought. I want you to be happy and carefree so I’d rather have someone whom you love to spend time with rather than leave you at a day care crying because you want your mommy, but I’d love to be that person you get to spend most days with. I should have the right to be that person. At least for half a day. But here in the States they don’t make it easy on parents, there is no paid maternity leave and if you work part-time you lose your benefits. So we have to find a nanny.

When we got home that night I got really emotional, I wasn’t afraid you wouldn’t be fine with Ginny, I was afraid you’d rather be with her than with me. That I would miss all your milestones. That you would call her Mom. That you would do all the fun stuff in the day time with her, enjoying yourself, and spending only a couple of hours with me in the evening, when I’m tired from work and wouldn’t be ale to offer you the best.

So I was there on the couch with you half asleep, just watching you and crying a little bit in the dark. My mom came by and try to put some reason into my head, and you opened your eyes and looked at me. We said something like you being mischievous andΒ monello, pretending to sleep, and there you did it! You smiled, mouth wide open, eyes smiling too, for a few seconds. I thought I might be imagining stuff and then I saw grandma getting emotional and start crying (we are cryers from my side, just in case you take that after me and you’ll wonder where that came from). So she saw it too! We started screaming calling dad to come see it, we were so happy!!! And I felt better right away. It was like you were saying: “No matter who I might get to love or spend a lot of time with, you are still my Mommy”.

You haven’t been smiling a lot after that, you really do look quite serious all the time! But since then when I get home from work and I come to say Hi you smile and look quite happy to see me! Grandma noticed that too.

So this week for me has been an important one. At 7 weeks today (happy weekday!!), I feel a connection with you that wasn’t there before. Don’t get me wrong, I loved you unconditionally from the very first moment, but I didn’t feel I was more special to you than any other person around. You stay with anybody, you frown at everybody, you fall asleep on anybody, so so far you didn’t show any preference. Which is actually good. But you know… I want to be special πŸ™‚

So now I feel it. I feel more confident when I take you about having the ability of making you stop crying, or of making you feel better. I feel you know me now. You smiled a couple more times, and even when you don’t, you listen to me and make so many little noises! It’s like we are communicating. And it so awesome! I know it’s weird. You’ll understand when you and your wife have a kid. She’ll tell you.

The swaddling is still working and you have slept for a max of 7 hours as off today!! We still need to get up because you eat around 21.30 and fall asleep so you still wake up around 4am and won’t go back to sleep anymore, but still…! It’s an improvement πŸ™‚

You have cradle cap all over your eyebrows and head, and it smells kind of stinky, but we are trying to get rid of it. You are still cute and good looking, no worries! πŸ˜‰

And you are the very first almost bald and toothless man I’ve ever fallen in love with!!

Happy week-day, honey!

Love,

Mom

 

 

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